- Do you want more money?
- Have you been trying to bring in more money, but just can’t seem to make it happen?
- Did you know that your money story is tied to your parent’s money story?
In the past I had a lot of anxiety around money. Being a solo entrepreneur just heightened that anxiety. I finally realized the connection between my money story and my parent’s.
Both my parents grew up during the Depression. During that time many went without. There was never enough of anything, so my parents developed a scarcity mentality. When I was growing up, there was still never enough. I remember not wanting to worry my mother because I needed new shoes. We were always shopping for bargains. And my siblings and I all carry deep rooted feelings of not being good enough.
When I realized that my money story was tied to that of my parent’s, I started to change that story. I was able to change my attitude about money so that I now have more financial comfort and experience greater ease. I can and do bring in enough to meet my needs. This change in attitude changed my life! And it can change your life too.
I’ve come to realize that my fears and anxiety about money were the result of my on negative internal dialogue that said things like: “you’re not good enough,” or “you can’t do it,” or “you’ll never get it right.” This negativity was the source of the painful ebbs and flows I experienced with my finances. Though skilled at manifesting, it didn’t always work for me. Not because I didn’t know how to work with the principles of positive intention, but because of my inner negative dialogue. It was getting in the way of my being able to attract a steady flow of abundance.
I’ve given names to some of my own noisy inner voices. Maybe you will recognize them, or begin to give names to some of your own inner voices. I will also share some tips as to how I learned to quiet these voices and cultivate more positive ones.
Everybody loves a bargain, right?! The problem is when you start to think of yourself as needing to be a bargain. This mentality undermines your belief in your own self-worth -especially if you have a caretaking nature. Then you may feel a need to give your services away for free, or for a price far below the value of what you offer. This sabotages your abundance.
Enlightened thought: Bargain shoppers are really shopping for value. They want to get what they pay for and more. People will pay for value. You just need to embrace your true value.
Remedy: Write down all the reasons for which people seek you out in your community. It can be something as simple as having a ‘compassionate ear.’ This has great value because so many have lost the skill involved in truly listening. You might also tally up how much time and money you spent in acquiring your skills, experience, knowledge and training. You probably have invested a lot more in yourself than you realize.
Then take a look at this list and realize just how valuable you are. This is part of your worth to your community and to your clients. Own it and appreciate yourself. You are of great value! You are worth it!
The constant anxiety around money becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People and potential clients can sense anxiety. It has a repellent quality that deters people and potential clients from finding you.
Enlightened thought: Notice when you have physical symptoms of anxiety. In reality they are warning you that something is out of balance. Forcing your way through fears without respecting your needs might only exacerbate the situation.
Remedy: Take several deep breaths and quiet your mind. Then have a dialogue with your anxiety and the underlying fear beneath. When you get to the root of your fear, then ask yourself if it’s really that bad. What’s the worst that could happen? Could you handle it?
Many times the monster that you don’t know is much more terrifying than the monster you do. Once you recognize what is really going on, then you will know how to deal with it.
She is fueled by fears and self-doubts. She rambles on with negative thoughts such as “I’m not good enough, bright enough, pretty enough.” Or “I’m too fat, too old, too scattered.” ” Or “I don’t have enough.” “I can’t.” “I shouldn’t.”
Enlightened Thought: With so much energy fueling negative thoughts you don’t have the mental capacity for the positive, creative, and innovative thoughts that create opportunities leading to abundance.
Remedy: Pay attention to your thoughts so you can recognize your negative thought patterns. Once you can recognize them, then consciously choose to stop giving them so much attention. Switch the channel! Think about something more positive and productive. Remember, you are in charge of your thoughts! You just need to take the reins and get your mind to work for you, and not against you.
Remember – Changing your money story is possible. When you change that story, then you can increase the amount of abundance and prosperity that flows into your life with greater ease and less struggle.
If this article resonates with you,
then you might be curious about my upcoming Free Talk:
Transform Your Money Story
October 10, 2017
7:00 to 9:00 PM
10227 Fair Oaks Boulevard, Fair Oaks, CA
Look for my ezine next week to learn about Worried Wilma, Meek Millie and Frazzled Frannie and how they can negatively impact your money story and what you can do about it.
If you are struggling with your money story and self-worth, then give me a call to find out how I can help you change your money story and so you can become more magnetic to a greater flow of abundance. Contact me today at 415-819-8769 or email me for a complementary 30-minute consultation.
Last week I shared with you that I had discovered that my negative money story came from my parents who had acquired a scarcity mentality from growing up during the depression. Since then, I have come to realize that my fears and anxiety about money were the result of my own negative internal dialog that said things like: “you’re not good enough”, or “you can’t do it”, or “you’ll never get it right.” This was the source of the painful ebbs and flows I experienced with my finances and interfered with my manifesting skills. From my work with my clients, I know that many of you probably have the same inner voices, or ones that are unique to you and your family.
I’ve given names to some of my noisy inner voices. Last week I introduced you to Bargain Bettie, Anxious Annie, and Negative Nettie. Maybe you recognized them. Today I’m going to share with you three new voices that have obstructed the flow of money into my life. They are Meek Mellie, Frazzled Franny, and Worried Wilma. I will also share some tips as to how I learned to quiet these voices and cultivate more positive ones. If you have different “voices” you might try to identify them and come up with your own enlightened thoughts and remedies.
This is a really hard archetype for a lot of women because most women don’t acknowledge their own value. Generally women are raised to be compliant, helpful, and supportive. They are afraid to be ‘pushy’. Therefore it’s challenging for them to ‘ask for the business’, or to get their needs met, or even to defend their justified boundaries. In reality, these women are often not ‘pushy’ enough. My mother was a bright capable leader but always deferred to men because she thought they were inherently smarter, wiser and more competent; which is not always the case!
Enlightened thought: If you are seeking business, remember to present the benefits and the results your clients will get from the service or product you provide. Come from the authentic place of wanting to help improve someone’s life, business, or environment in some way – or to offer support or a service with voice of authority. You will find that your clients will respond. And remember that you have value, you are smart and competent, and you have a right to have your say and to defend your boundaries.
Remedy: Find a group that can help you overcome your insecurities about speaking up. Most communities have networking opportunities, leads groups and Toast Masters. Practice makes perfect! Know you will mess up – and that’s OK. There are lots of people wherever you are and most probably won’t remember you anyway. Practicing in front of a mirror is a good way to begin developing more confidence in speaking up.
This archetype operates under the belief that “more is better”. She generally has lots of ideas, but no focus. She believes that hard work and struggle are the only ways to make money. Therefore she can become overwhelmed, or paralyzed, or tend to waste time chasing down unnecessary worm holes. Most of this is not her fault, but is the result of wearing too many hats. Most women survive by multitasking the various responsibilities of being mother, wife, and homemaker while also balancing a job, aging parents, their children’s activities, and trying to have some kind of a life of their own.
Enlightened Thought: Hopefully, Frazzled Frannie will learn that spreading herself too thin and/or taking on too many responsibilities is counterproductive. It leads to fatigue, irritability, loss of focus, and burn-out. This archetype needs to learn to simplify and focus on the priorities, one of which is her own self-care!
Remedy: Pick 2-5 main priorities for the year and stick to them. If something comes up that is not in one of those areas, then refer it out – don’t get scattered. By staying focused you can do what you do WELL!
This Archetype tends to lives in the future and is always catastrophizing; she is always worried about what will happen IF …
She is only trying to keep you safe by alerting you to potential dangers – but she ends up erecting so many roadblocks that it becomes almost impossible to move forward. This constant worrying and feeling stuck is a time and energy suck!
In reality, the archetypes from last week and this are trying to help in some way:
Bargain Betty – wants to save money.
Frazzled Franny – thinks that if you rush can maybe get everything done.
Meek Mellie, Anxious Annie, Negative Nettie, and Worried Wilma – are just trying to keep you safe from embarrassing or dangerous situations.
They need to be forgiven because they are simply younger, more vulnerable, parts of you that haven’t realized that you have become so much bigger, wiser, more informed and competent than you felt when you created these inner personas earlier in your life.
Once you’ve identified the archetypes that are obstructing the flow of money and success and forgiven them, then you can focus on creating your positive archetype, the Money Diva, who allows you to succeed.
The Money Diva believes in herself and knows her worth. She radiates confidence and knows the value of what she has to offer. Living with integrity, she is in service to the greater good and doesn’t sell herself or her services short.
Sanaya Roman, in her book Creating Money, says your beliefs create your reality. She goes on to say that beliefs are assumptions about the nature of reality because you create what you believe. You will always find proof for whatever it is you believe: I.e. If a person believes the universe is abundant, they will act as if the universe is abundant and they will attract abundance. If they believe money comes with hard work and struggle, making money will be hard. If they believe they can’t hold onto money, then money will appear to slip through their fingers. We will have whatever experience that proves what we believe.
Therefore, if we change what we believe, we can change what we experience. We can co-create our reality.
Most of my articles focus on women and the female perspective. This is sadly ignoring about 50% of the population. Men are also trying to find their way in our changing culture. I believe the changes are requiring men to develop more compassion. Yet, what is required of men to become more compassionate? For that answer I turned to an article written by Kozo Hattori that was published in the Greater Good.
As promised here is:
What Makes a Compassionate Man? Part Two
What does it take to foster compassion in men? To find out, Kozo Hattori interviewed scientific and spiritual experts.
3. Transcendence of gender stereotypes
All of the compassionate men interviewed broke out of the ‘act-like-a-man’ box. At a certain point in his life, Dr. Rick Hanson realized that he was too left brained, so he made a conscious effort to re-connect with his intuitive, emotional side. When Elad Levinson, program director for Spirit Rock Meditation Center, first encountered loving-kindness and compassion practices, his first reaction was what he claims to be fairly typical for men: “Come on! You are being a wuss, Levinson. No way are you going to sit here and wish yourself well.” So the actual practice of compassion instigated his breaking free from gender stereotypes.
Dr. Ted Zeff cites a study that found infant boys are more emotionally reactive than infant girls, but by the time a boy reaches five or six years old “he’s learned to repress every emotion except anger, because anger is the only emotion society tells a boy he is allowed to have.” If society restricts men’s emotional spectrum to anger, then it is obvious men need to transcend this conditioning to become compassionate.
Dr. Doty points to artificially defined roles as a major problem in our society because they prevent men from showing their vulnerability. “If you can’t be vulnerable, you can’t love,” says Doty. Vulnerability is a key to freedom from the act-like-a-man box, for it allows men to remove the armor of masculinity and authentically connect with others.
Both Dr. Doty and Scott Kriens emphasize authenticity as a necessary pathway to compassion. Kriens defines authenticity as “when someone is sharing what they believe as opposed to what they want you to believe.” This opens the door to compassion and true connection with others.
4. Emotional intelligence
In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson argue that most boys are raised to be emotionally ignorant: “Lacking an emotional education, a boy meets the pressure of adolescence and that singularly cruel peer culture with the only responses he has learned and practiced—and that he know are socially acceptable—the typical ‘manly’ responses of anger, aggression, and emotional withdrawal.”
In contrast, most of the men I interviewed were “emotionally literate.” They seemed to see and feel things with the sensitivity of a Geiger counter. Tears welled up in Dr. Doty’s eyes a number of times when he talked about compassion. Dr. Hanson explained how he landed in adulthood “from the neck up” then spent a large part of his 20s becoming whole again. Much of Chade-Meng Tan’s “Search Inside Yourself” training that he developed for the employees of Google is based on emotional intelligence developed through attention training, self-knowledge, and self-mastery.
Similarly, Father Richard Rohr leads initiation groups for young men that force initiates to face pain, loneliness, boredom, and suffering to expand their emotional and spiritual capacity. It is no coincidence that these initiations are held in nature. Nature seems to be an important liminal space that allows boys and men to reconnect with their inner world. Dr. Hanson is an avid mountain climber. Dr. Ted Zeff advocates spending time in nature with boys to allow their sensitivity to develop.
Almost all of the men I interviewed regularly spend some time in silence. They’d hit “pause” so that they can see themselves and others more clearly. When our interview approached two hours, Dr. Rick Hanson asked to wrap it up so he would have time for his morning meditation. Meng Tan had just returned from a week-long silent meditation retreat a few days before our interview. Scott Kriens started a daily sitting and journaling practice almost ten years ago that he rigorously practices to this day.
Father Richard Rohr practices Christian contemplative prayer, which he says leads to a state of “undefended knowing” that transcends dualistic, us/them thinking. Rohr argues that true compassion can’t happen without transcending dualistic thinking. “Silence teaches us not to rush to judgment,” says Rohr.
Self-awareness through mindfulness practices like meditation, silent prayer, or being in nature allow compassionate men to embrace suffering without reacting, resisting, or repressing. Thich Nhat Hanh says that mindfulness holds suffering tenderly “like a mother holding a baby.” That poetic image is backed up by more and more research, which is finding that mindfulness can help foster compassion for others.
So the path to making more compassionate men is clear: understand compassion as a strength, get to know yourself, transcend gender roles, look for positive role models—and become one yourself. If that sounds too complicated, 84-year-old Marvin Maurer sums up being a compassionate man in five easy words, “Be in love with love.”
You can find Part One of “What Makes a Compassionate Man” on my website. Click here. In the meantime, if you are a man who is struggling to find out how to be more compassionate in a patriarchal society, please contact Joy a call for a 30-minute complimentary consultation. Email Joy or call 415-819-8769 today.
You can find the original article at https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_makes_a_compassionate_man
Most of my articles focus on women and the female perspective. Sadly, this ignores about 50% of the population. Men are also trying to find their way in our changing culture. I believe these changes are requiring men to develop more compassion. Yet, what is required of men to become more compassionate? For that answer, I turned to an article written by Kozo Hattori that was published in the Great Good, ‘What Makes a Compassionate Man?’
What does it take to foster compassion in men? To find out, Kozo Hattori, the author, interviewed scientific and spiritual experts.
I remember being a very compassionate child. While watching The Little House on the Prairie, I cried my eyes out when Laura couldn’t give Pa a Christmas gift. But 12 years of physical abuse and being forced to the confines of the “act-like-a-man box” wrung most of that compassion out of me by the time I reached adulthood.
Although I was what therapists call “high functioning,” my lack of compassion was like a cancer that poisoned my friendships, relationships, business affairs, and life. At the age of 46, I hit rock bottom. Unemployed and on the verge of divorce, I found myself slapping my four-year-old son’s head when he wouldn’t listen to me. As the survivor of abuse, I had promised myself that I would never lay a hand on my children, but here I was abusing my beloved son.
I knew I had to change. I started with empathy, which led me to compassion. I committed to a daily meditation practice, took the CCARE Cultivating Compassion class at Stanford University, and completed a ten-day silent meditation retreat. I read and researched everything I could find on compassion. I found that the more compassion I felt, the happier I became.
Convinced that I had found an essential ingredient to a happy and peaceful life, I started to interview scientific and spiritual experts on compassion, trying to find out what made a compassionate man. Interviewees included Dr. Dacher Keltner, co-founder of the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center; Dr. James Doty, founder and director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University; Dr. Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness; Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence; and Thich Nhat Hanh, the Zen Buddhist Monk nominated by Martin Luther King Jr. for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1967.
From these interviews and research, I compiled a list of what makes a compassionate man.
1. A fundamental understanding of compassion
>Most events I attend that discuss compassion are predominantly attended by women. When I asked Thich Nhat Hanh how we could make compassion more attractive to men, he answered, “There must be a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of compassion because compassion is very powerful…Compassion protects us more than guns, bombs, and money.” Although many men in society see compassion and sympathy as feminine—which translates to a weakness in our patriarchal society—all of the compassionate men I interviewed view compassion as a strength.
Dr. Hanson noted how compassion makes one more courageous since compassion strengthens the heart—courage comes from the French word “Coeur,” which means heart. Dacher Keltner argues that Darwin believed in “survival of the kindest,” not the fittest. Dr. Ted Zeff, author of Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy, believes that only compassionate men can save the planet. Zeff argues that “the time has come to break the outdated, rigid male code that insists that all men should be aggressive, thick-skinned, and unemotional”—an excellent description of the act-like-a-man box that I tried to live in.
The compassionate men I interviewed agree with the Dalai Lama when he said, “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”
2. Compassionate role models
All of the compassionate men seemed to have role models that supported their compassion instinct. Marc Brackett gives credit to his uncle, Marvin Maurer, who was a social studies teacher trying to instill emotional intelligence in his student before the term emotional intelligence was coined. Over 30 years after teaching in middle school, Maurer’s “Feeling Words Curriculum” acts as a key component of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence RULER program. Similarly, Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, constantly mentions his compassionate uncle who cared for his dying grandmother.
A role model doesn’t necessarily have to be living, or even real. Chade-Meng Tan, author of Search Inside Yourself, cites Ben Kingsley’s portrayal of Gandhi as a role model for compassion. Dr. Rick Hanson posits Ender from the science fiction novel Ender’s Game as a compassionate role model. Certainly, Jesus and Buddha are obvious role models of compassion. The key is to treat them like role models.
Role models are not meant to be worshiped, deified, or prayed to. They are meant to be emulated. They pave the way for us to walk a similar path. Can we turn the other cheek and love our enemies like Jesus asked us? Can we transcend our ego and see all things as one, like the Buddha did?
In contrast are individuals who were not guided by positive role models. In his book From Wild Man to Wise Man, Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr describes what he calls “father hunger”: “Thousands and thousands of men, young and old…grew up without a good man’s love, without a father’s understanding and affirmation.” Rohr, who was a jail chaplain for 14 years, claims that “the only universal pattern I found with men and women in jail was that they did not have a good father.”
Scott Kriens, former CEO of Juniper Networks and founder/director of the 1440 Foundation, concurs: “The most powerful thing we can do for our children is be the example we can hope for.”
Stay tuned for Part Two of “What Makes a Compassionate Man” in next week’s ezine. In the meantime, if you are a man who is struggling to find out how to be more compassionate in a patriarchal society, please contact Joy a call for a 30-minute complimentary consultation. Email Joy or call 415-819-8769 today.
You can find the original article at https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_makes_a_compassionate_man
As a transformational coach I often hear about upsetting events and distressing circumstances in the lives of my clients. Some of my friends wonder how I’m able to keep my distance emotionally when I hear these troubling stories. Through my own personal and spiritual journey, and my experience with 12-step programs, I was introduced to the concept which is called compassionate detachment.
Compassionate detachment is a mindset from which all of us can benefit when we exercise it in our relationships. It is a healthy way of relating to others which lets them know that you have a loving and caring concern for their predicament, while holding the belief that they have the inherent ability to deal with their own problems and become responsible for their own issues. Simultaneously you strive to maintain a sense of detachment about the outcome.
The important thing here is to stay detached so that you don’t step in and attempt to resolve their problem, their pain, or their issue for them. This doesn’t mean, however, that you care any less for them. Nor does it mean that they, and the outcome, aren’t important to you.
Too often, many of us out of genuine concern will jump in and attempt to ‘rescue’ a friend. We might do this by giving advice, money, shelter, trying to ‘fix’ their feelings, or interceding for them in some way. Though our intentions may be good, in the long run we are doing our friend a disservice. By jumping in to rescue, we can end up disempowering the person we are trying to help. How? By not giving them the time, space, and self-confidence they need to develop their own ability to take care of themselves.
In addition, when we are in the rescue mode we tend to be working on our own agenda – on what we think might be best for our friend… which might not be what is best in the long run. Or we might like the feeling we get from being ‘needed.’ It might make us feel important. That is not necessarily helping our friend, however. In the end we could end up encouraging a dependency on our help rather than supporting their self-reliance and independence.
Rather than jumping to fix a problem, try listening compassionately without offering advice, or trying to fix the situation. Offer caring words of sympathy and be ‘present’ with them as they share what may be troubling them deeply. Many times a person just needs to be heard. Allowing someone to feel truly heard can be the greatest gift that you can give a friend.
So often my clients come to their own solutions just by having a safe space in which they can talk through an issue. In reality, we all have the answers within ourselves; we just need to be given the space, time, and belief in ourselves so that we can find them.
If you are struggling with some difficult challenges, give Joy a call for a 30-minute complimentary consultation to find out how she can help you. Call 415-819-8769 or email Joy today!