John Bradshaw, author, counselor, theologian, philosopher and teacher, claims thatthe high rate of dysfunctional families is the source of crisis in child to adult development and functioning. This is because each family has its own social system complete with rules, norms, structures, and beliefs.
Unfortunately an estimated 96% of all families are to some degree ‘dysfunctional.’ This is disturbing because parents form their child’s core beliefs about themselves and the world. Wounds from dysfunctional parenting are perpetuated from generation to generation unless someone chooses to break the cycle. These wounds often take the form of shame or a sense of deep-seeded guilt.
Shame wounds the soul! It is the source of many emotional and psychological ailments: i.e. depression, alienation, self-doubt, isolating loneliness, compulsive disorders, feelings of inadequacy and failure, narcissism, etc.
Shame is Soul murder! When internalized it can lead to psychic numbness.
Shame is worse than guilt. Guilt is when you know you have done something wrong or hurtful. For example:
Guilt – “I’ve done something wrong.”Shame – “There’s something wrong with me.”
Guilt – “I’ve made a mistake.”
Shame -“I am a mistake.”
Guilt – “What I did was not good.”
Shame -“I’m no good.”
Fortunately, parenting styles are improving today. Children are coming into adulthood with much better self-images and self-confidence than in my time.
Many of us, however, were raised under old parenting styles that shamed via corporal punishment, name calling, and verbal and emotional abuse. My father never hesitated to spank us kids when we did something bad. Today that would be considered physical abuse. Not only does spanking hurt, but it is shaming! That, however, was how he was corrected when he was a child. We learn from our parents who pass on both the good, and the not so good. Distressingly, this is how we learn to feel shame.
How many of you have felt guilty?
How many of you have felt shame?
Shame comes through the abandonment of the child by parent. There are many ways that parents abandon their child: physical leaving, not modeling emotions, not affirming a child’s emotions, not providing for a child’s development dependency needs, abuse, and using a child as a confidant or as a substitute for a spouse.
Other ways in which a child is abandoned are to require a child to hide the family’s secrets of shame, not giving enough time, attention, direction, and guidance, and a parent acting in shameful ways. When any one of these happens, the parent is ignoring the child’s uniqueness, providing much need guidance and role modeling, and/or failing to assure the child that they are loved and safe. When this happens the child grows up wounded by feelings of shame which inhibit them from living joyfully to their full potential.
Read my next e-zine to learn what happens when a shame-based child grows into adulthood, and how you can begin to free yourself from feelings of shame.If you are afflicted with feelings of shame or have an exaggerated inclination to feel guilty that is interfering with your personal life, performance, or relationships, then contact Joy for a complimentary 30-minute consultation to learn how you can let go of shame and step into your full potential. Email Joy or call 415-819-8769.