Last week I wrote about shame and the many ways that adults live with deep-rooted feelings of shame. Shame often comes through the abandonment of the child by parent. There are many ways that parents abandon their child: physical leaving, not modeling emotions, not affirming a child’s emotions, not providing for a child’s development or dependency needs, abuse, and using a child as a confidant or as a substitute for a spouse.
Other circumstances in which a child feels abandoned are: when a child is required to hide the family’s secrets of shame, or when a parent doesn’t give enough time, attention, direction, and/or guidance, or when a parent is acting in shameful ways. When any one of these happens, the parent is ignoring the child’s uniqueness, not providing much needed guidance and role modeling, and/or is failing to assure the child that they are loved and safe.
When one or more of the above happens then the child often ends up being the parent. The child has to assume the adult role because there is no one else to take care of them. The child can then feel alone, unloved, and alienated which leads to a shame based core. Shame based children grow into adults who still suffer at their core from shame. They often end up passing their shame onto their children, thus perpetuating a shame based culture.
In shame based families there is often a “don’t talk’ rule. Children are required to keep the family secrets of shame. There are also rules about adults being obeyed without question. Often times children are not allowed to even ask questions, let alone question adults. Then children can grow up feeling they “don’t have a voice.” They are reluctant to speak up, share their points of view, and be noticed.
When shame combines with loneliness and a need to numb the pain, it can fuel a compulsive and/or addictive lifestyle. In efforts to psychically numb themselves they tend to focus on more money, more sex, or food, or booze, or drugs, or the next adrenaline rush, or entertainment, or possessions, or ecstasy. Yet they are never quite satisfied.
Eventually these shame based adults can have troubles around what they drink, how they work, or sleep, or intimacy, or sexual satisfaction, or play, etc. Some become workaholics, or they try to stay so busy that they don’t feel how lonely, hurt, mad, or sad they really are. Then they bring all this stuff into their relationships – with co-workers, partners, families and children.
Shame is soul murder! It’s time to STOP and break the cycle.
Underneath all this shame and addictive compulsive behavior is a wounded child that is still hurting. Many don’t realize it. Instead they are very hard on themselves when what is needed is more compassion, acceptance, and reassurance.
Active imagination to heal trauma
Carl Jung, a famous psychotherapist, used active imagination to help people connect with buried trauma so it could be brought to consciousness and healed. Active imagination consists of imaginary dialogs between you, the conscious part of you, and the wounded unconscious part of you that needs healing. It is a technique that is extremely helpful in releasing old trauma.
This process works best if you can imagine that the traumatized part of you is a separate identity that is still a part of you. For example, a person who was ostracized by group of kids as a child may be reluctant to ask someone to go to lunch with them for fear of rejection. The goal in active imagination is to dialog with your younger self about her/his feelings. By helping to reframe the child’s point of view with adult discernment one can become less fearful of rejection and more accepting of ones self.
Many of you might think fearing rejection when you are just asking someone to go to lunch with you is silly. But for someone who faced repeated rejection or bullying as a child, the thought of asking someone to lunch might be highly charged. Having a compassionate dialog with your younger self can help lessen the fears of something similar happening in future. It can also help increase self-confidence and reduce the chance of being triggered by similar situations.
Stay tuned for my ezine next week to learn how to do an active imagination dialog with your younger self that is still hurting from old childhood wounds.
If you are afflicted with feelings of shame or have an exaggerated inclination to feel guilty that is interfering with your personal life, performance, or relationships, then contact Joy for a complimentary 30-minute consultation to learn how you can let go of shame and step into your full potential. Email Joy or call 415-819-8769.