I have to make you understand, even if I talk all night!

by | Aug 27, 2015 | Emotional Healing, Personal Growth and Development, self help | 0 comments

When I was younger I felt a need to express whatever was on my mind just to make sure my partner knew what I was thinking and feeling. This was especially true when I was frustrated, upset or angry at them. I believed in the myth that communication was key! It always improved the quality of a relationship.

What I’ve learned the hard way over the 60+ years of my life is that “positive” communication can deepen the feelings between two people. “Negative” communication, however, can be damaging and create barriers to intimacy, especially if it’s a large part of the communication that’s going on in a relationship.

 When people have critical or judgmental feelings for each other and spend the majority of time expressing them, it doesn’t clear the air and bring clarity. Instead it can act as a wedge that drives people further apart. One famous relationship expert, George S. Pransky, wrote: “Communication is a pipe through which feelings pass. If the feelings are positive, the relationship will be uplifted. If they are negative, the couple’s level of closeness will drop.”

Many of my clients who are experiencing ‘challenges’ in their relationships don’t realize that it’s positive feelings and a sense of appreciation and goodwill that brings closeness between couples. Not More Talk! And these good feelings can be expressed in many more innovative ways than through just talking.

It’s as if there is a relationship bank account. Feelings are the deposits and withdrawals. When there is a lot of goodwill and positive feelings toward each other, deposits are made. Communication and actions expressing ill will (frustration, anger, irritation, criticism) are withdrawals. As a matter of fact, there is no such thing as a productive discussion that alienates people!

As a rule of thumb, I suggest to my clients that if they or their partner are in a bad mood, hold off on any deep conversations. Wait until both of you are feeling calmer and more objective. If you’re still bothered by the issue after calming down, then bring it up but in a composed, non-confrontational manner. Focus on how your partner’s behavior or comments made you feel. Then let them know how a different approach would make you feel better.

If you find that after 5-10 minutes things are not getting better, and are in fact getting worse, then just STOP THE CONVERSATION and try again later. Not: “I have to make you understand, even if I talk all night!” Talking an issue to death will not make things better, and will most likely intensify feelings of ill-will.

I wish I knew this nugget of information two marriages ago!

Troubled relationships are one of the most common reasons why a client comes to see me. This is why I’ve included a whole day on Loving Relationships in my upcoming workshop, Sacred Sexuality, the Shadow and Loving Relationships. The day is chock-full of lots of tips, ideas, and experiential exercises on how to improve relationships and the quality of communication between loved ones.

The whole workshop, which begins October, 10, 2015, is designed to support woman like you to:
  • reclaim your sensual vitality
  • overcome your egoist shadow self that can disrupt the quality of your life and relationships
  • have more loving long lasting relationships

For more info CLICK HERE. I hope you will join me.

If you’re having difficulties in your relationship and can’t seem to make things better, then give me a call to schedule a 30-minute complementary consultation to see how I might be able to help. Contact me TODAY or call 415-819-8769. For more information about my services go to Healingwithjoy.net

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