People in our culture often have a tendency to undervalue themselves. This is especially true for women. One of the reasons for this is that we live in a hierarchical culture that values domination, control, and competition. In the business world we hear language such as ‘dominating the market share’, ‘beating our competition’, ‘controlling the sales process’. In our personal lives we might complain that ‘he’s too controlling’, or ‘she’s competing for attention’, or ‘I wish they’d stop dominating the conversation’. Everyone is trying to ‘be the best’ so they aren’t left hanging at the ‘bottom rung’ of the ladder.
According to Elaine Aron, author of The Undervalued Self, our Western culture is based more on a ‘ranking’ system than a ‘linking’ one. This ‘ranking’ system causes conflict because everyone is jockeying for the top positions. The result is a class system where people are always clawing to be at the top. What happens to those at the bottom? They begin to feel stuck with the dregs, resulting in feelings of hopelessness and despair.
In a ranking system there is a lot of comparing ourselves with others for respect, influence, and power. In a linking system there is more emphasis on expressing affection and a sense of caring and love for others, which promotes feelings of security and connectedness. Love, friendship, and compassion are all characteristics of ‘linking’ behavior.
Our tendency to rank ourselves against others plays a vital, yet detrimental, role in our culture. Because so few people can make it to the top, that means that most of us tend to be somewhere closer to the bottom – which leads to the tendency to undervalue ourselves. Some people roll with it. They boost their moral with positive thoughts or by associating with caring friends and family. Others let consistent self-undervaluing cause them to sink into feelings of worthlessness, shame, or feeling like they’re not enough, or will never have enough.
Now, don’t get me wrong. All ranking is not bad. A healthy bit of competition is good. It inspires people to excel, to innovate, to let new ideas flow and take form. It brings a sense of excitement and even fun, especially in sports. However, there needs to be a balance of ranking and linking in order for us to enjoy lives of satisfaction, contentment, confidence, peace, and inner joy. The good news is that it IS POSSIBLE to create a life that brings you more connection and feelings of worthiness. And it’s really pretty simple and quite logical.
Secrets to having more self-worth
Make two lists. On the first list put all the people with whom you feel good, and with whom you have a connection, a bond, or share friendship or love with.
Then make a second list of people with whom you feel bad, or uncomfortable in some way. Maybe when you’re with them you feel anxious, or you feel you’re not as good as they are, or with whom you feel sad or discontented in some way.
Then make a point of spending as much time as possible with the ‘feel good’ list, and start reducing the amount of time you spend with the ‘feel bad’ list. Just by spending more time with people who make you feel good, and who like spending time with you, will help you build a greater sense of self-worth. This is because you will have your self-worth mirrored back to you more frequently, thus increasing the amount and frequency of your feel-good feelings! When you feel good you will naturally have a greater sense of self-worth.
Next week I will give you some more tips on how to increase your self-worth.
If you undervalue yourself and often have feelings of not being good enough, then call me TODAY for a complimentary 30-minute consultation to find out how you can start valuing your self-worth and living a more satisfying and joyful life. Call Joy at 415-819-8769, or
email Joy RIGHT NOW!
