Do you feel “not good enough?”
Do you tend to compare yourself to others and often come up short?
If you do, you’re not alone. Many of my clients experience some form of feeling ‘unworthy’. They tend to undervalue themselves and their potential without even knowing it. Instead they complain about how they hold themselves back from something that might actually benefit them: speaking in front of others, going to parties where they don’t know anyone, networking events, speaking up in a class or meeting, and the list goes on.
What is going on for them, and for many of us, is an unconscious belief that they are ‘not worthy’, or ‘not good enough’. These beliefs lurk in our subconscious only to surface as negative self-talk or avoidance. The problem is that some of the actions we avoid are often the very things we should be doing, like networking if you’re a business owner. We don’t have to stay stuck in avoidance behavior though. When unconscious beliefs are brought to consciousness they can be looked at and evaluated. Then we can choose whether we want to keep that belief, reframe it, or eliminate it.
Let’s take public speaking, for example. Someone may have had an embarrassing experience in grade school giving an oral book report. In their experience they ‘failed,’ made a ‘fool of themselves’, and/or were ‘not as good’ as their class mates. They ended up internalizing the experience as them being ‘inadequate.’ Shame then resides in their memory leaving them terrified of speaking in public even as an adult. It’s an irrational fear, but a very real fear for the person. Then they’re stuck. How do they move past this fear that’s holding them back?
Elaine Aron, author of the Undervalued Self, claims that we are a culture that is based more on ranking than linking. Today our culture is hierarchal, one in which everyone is competing for dominance and control. This fosters conflict because it requires a constant jockeying for the key position at the top. Those stuck at the bottom can become hopeless with despair, like the unfortunate student mentioned earlier.
In contrast, the matrifocal (mother centered) and matrilineal (follows the mother’s lineage) societies of the ancient Neolithic Goddess-centered communities were based on linking. Their survival was based on cooperation and the sharing of resources and talents. Rather than focusing on personal gain, efforts were directed to the conservation and protection of resources for the good of the community. Good relations were paramount because their existence depended on it.
When we live in a ranking society, emphasis is placed on competition and comparison in order to achieve respect, influence and power. In linking societies the emphasis is placed on the expression of caring, sharing, affection, and love. There is a greater desire to feel connected and secure rather than being Number One.
Failing at being Number One can result in shame, feelings of worthlessness, and the undervaluing of the Self. In personal terms, it can lead to an inaccurate underestimation of yourself, your value, and your potential. Because of low self-esteem, you and others might shy away from exciting and challenging opportunities, sinking instead into a slowly eroding dissatisfaction with life.
The Undervaluing of the Self Epidemic is the result of our hierarchal society’s cultural norm that favors a system of ranking. Based on the fact that only ONE PERSON can be at the TOP of the pyramid, guess how many are going to undervalue themselves. A LOT!
When you stop comparing yourself to others, and start doing your best, congratulating yourself for what you have achieved, and put your focus on seeking genuine connections with others, then much of the stress of our hierarchal system simply begins to dissipate. How much better it might be if you kept excelling at the goals you’ve set for yourself, rather than admonishing yourself for not being as good as your co-worker, team mate, or friend. This is the secret to leading a more satisfying and contented life. Then, feeling confident that you are doing your best and meeting your goals, you are freed to live with a greater sense of inner peace and joy. Your relationships also begin to blossom because you are a happier YOU!