We often don’t want to look at our “shadow stuff”- our fears and wounds that lie in hidden in our subconscious, sometimes referred to as the Shadow Realm. We learn to hide these aspects of ourselves, even from ourselves. We develop all kinds of coping mechanisms that range from outbursts of anger, to defensiveness, or feigning submissiveness in order to protect ourselves. Or we find ways to soothe ourselves with food, drugs, video games, partying, etc. Eventually, however, our coping mechanisms stop working. Or they lead to more problems making our lives unmanageable at times. These coping mechanisms can create major limitations in our lives.
Yet when we take time to face our shadow we can discover some amazing things about ourselves. Often we find that what we have been fighting or running from is actually the source of some of the greatest lessons and wisdom. What would like to come out of hiding and into illumination? It can be a rich reservoir of information that can transform our lives in amazing ways.
This happened to me. At one time I was embittered because my whole life had turned upside down – my relationship, my job, my health, my family. It was the worst time in my life! But I was really being given a gift. I was shown that it was my attitude that was toxic. I was the one who was polluting everything in my life. When I made the choice to change my attitude that was when my whole life changed for the better. If I had not been willing to face my shadow, I don’t even know if I would be alive today – things had gotten that bad.
Breaking out of the old patterns often requires doing some shadow work. This is about being honest with yourself and asking some of the tough questions:
- Where do these feelings of lack and limitation come from?
- What is the source of your feelings of loneliness?
- How can you fill yourself up? Is your glass half empty or half full? Why?
- How can you take responsibility for where you are in your life?
- How can you be whole and complete with who you are?
- How can you be more fully engaged?
- What are your interests and passions that bring purpose and meaning to your life?
- What are your special gifts?
- And what can you do to bring more fullness and joy into your life?
I have found working with counselors and coaches to be very helpful. What I have come to understand is that where you put your focus is where your life expands. When you are focused on the problems, when you are focused on what is not working in a relationship or your life, then that is where you tend to ‘cycle.’ And that is what expands.
By shifting the focus to what is working ‑ what you like about yourself, your life, your relationship, what brings you joy, what makes you feel good ‑ when you start focusing on these things, then that is when your life starts to improve.
We don’t heal by beating ourselves up and focusing on the negative. We heal by learning to have compassion for ourselves, by seeing our value, knowing we deserve, and most of all, beginning to love ourselves.
Yes, we need to work on our shadow – but not by continuing to beat ourselves up. It is time to transform that inner bully. It’s time to find compassion for ourselves knowing that we have always done the best we could with the knowledge, training, and skills we had at the time.
I’ve done lots of things that I regret in my life. I look back at some of my past experiences and think, “How could I have possibly done that?” I start to berate myself for being so ignorant, unkind, or thoughtless. Then the feelings of shame start to strangle me with guilt.
This is when I make myself stop and ask, “Did I know any better at the time? Did I have access to the knowledge I have now? Did I have the skills or training that I have now?” Usually the answer is NO! The reality is that at that time I was floundering, in a lot of personal pain, and doing the best that I could. Finally, this is when I am able to have compassion for myself and begin to heal some of the wounds from my past.
You can do the same thing. When you start beating yourself up, this is when you can start to ask some of the hard questions – not by berating yourself, but by trying to learn from your past.
- What part did I play in creating this situation?
- How could I have done better?
- What can I learn from this?
- What do I want for my life from this point forward?
- What am I willing to invest so I can have the life that I want and deserve?
This is when you can begin to change your life for the better. We can be good examples of self awareness for those around us. The change we want to see in the world starts within each of us.
This is the benefit of working with your Shadow. Yes, looking at the past can be unpleasant. But when you look back with compassion for your younger self, then you begin to love yourself and find the courage and hope to build a better future. You deserve a great life!
If you want a better life and are struggling, give Joy a call to find out how she can help you live a more joyful life. Call 415-819-8769 or email Joy TODAY!